I keep thinking about how generous my friends Kaija and Dean are--specifically, I have thought a lot about how they reached out to a visiting international student last spring and helped her and made her feel welcome; she arrived as a bit of a surprise, but they made room...It's great to meet people that "make room"...it is something that I want to be better about as I so appreciate the gestures from this side of that situation.
Some of the people around here that make room for others are my Spanish friends! (Cristina, Cesar, Bea, Alberto and Miguel). We engaged in classic Swedish Friluftsliv this past weekend... a hike in the forest (seemingly endless urban forest), a fire, coffee, korv on the fire (hot dogs), and a sweet treat (an almond torte to celebrate my old age...47!). Smoke drifting over the small lake, leaves falling, heavy and gray sky, classic November day for Duluth or Göteborg.
The international student challenge that is really weighing heavy on me these days is language. Damn, I really thought it would have all come together by now (I overestimated my skill and flexibility). I am understanding most of what is said to me and the reading is going well (albeit slowly), but the speaking!? I feel like an idiot most of the day. I try so desperately to get people to believe that I am legit, and then one stupid mispronunciation or awkward construction and I am reduced to feeling trapped by myself. Now yes, Swedes speak English beautifully and many probably respect me for trying so diligently with the Swedish, however, none of that takes away the gut feeling of inadequacy when one is trying so hard. I think it is all exacerbated by my efforts to fit into academia in general, i.e. the endless test, the endless quest to be smart enough or creative enough. I am not an academic. I have some interesting ideas and I care passionately about my work, but I don't have the skills, organization or sophistication to make this work smoothly. I am bumbling along pretending at various times to be a geographer, an environmental psychologist, a statistician. Anyhow, I'll keep pretending and something good will come of it...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARGEE! (summer BWCA, alas not taken this past weekend in Sweden!)
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